Relationships: the secret advantage all men possess

I often hear it pointed out that women have many advantages over men when it comes to relationships. Things like ‘women have the power to accept or reject men, so they really determine the dating pool’; ‘women control access to sex’; ‘women have far greater advantages over men when it comes to custody rights’, and so on.

I don’t dispute any of this, at least not in Western society. It’s all true (though depending on which country you’re in, the degree of advantages can differ).

However, there is one area in which men have all the power – only I get the sense that many men either don’t realise, or downplay, how crucial and valuable this power is.

I’m talking about the power of initiating a relationship.

Now as I flagged, this might not immediately strike you as a particularly important or compelling power – but it is. You could even say that, before any relationship begins, men have ALL the power (and at certain points during the relationship, too).

What do I mean by this?

Well, allow me to explain. But before I do, I should point out that this article is not relevant to online dating, in which the rules are uncertain and unfixed, and in which everyone is openly expressing their interest to date by simply being on the platform. It would be kind of like the real-life equivalent of walking around wearing a sandwich board which reads, ‘I’m open to dating’, making the subtleties we’re about to discuss non-existent.

Now, to my explanation:

My options as a dating woman are completely dependent on being asked out by men. Yes, I can accept or reject whom I please, but my power to do so rests entirely on men making a move in the first place. Until the question comes, I am basically powerless to do anything to change my position as a single woman.

Men are not. In fact, men are capable of changing their status from single to dating, to engaged to married, in a way that women aren’t, simply because it is up to men to make all of the above moves. Yes, of course it is also dependent on the woman to accept the man’s offer to date, his offer to marry and so on, but when it comes to making any decisions whatsoever, men take the lead.

Side note: for those ignoramuses who like to throw back the ‘why can’t women ask men out?’ line, just ask any man if he would prefer for his woman of interest to take the lead in a relationship; to ask him out, or even to propose to him. If he has any sense at all, he will say no. If he says yes, he is either lying, pulling your leg or just a coward. Men need to be the ones asking, and women the ones who need to receive. Men are the natural leaders, and women the followers, in relationships. It is true that some men and women kind of fall into a relationship through consistent close interaction in which no one actually gets asked out, but this is hardly the ideal. It is also situation-dependent, and so extremely unreliable, not to mention it’s cowardly on the man’s part to take the easy road and not put himself at any real risk.

But rather than realising this incredible power, many men only seem to see it as a negative. All I seem to hear from them when it comes to this topic are complaints about having to ‘do all the work’, or the fear of getting rejected, or that women are too picky.

There is truth to all this, but there is a greater underlying truth as well.

Let’s look at this from a female perspective for a moment: Nicole really wants to get married; it’s the deepest, most earnest desire of her heart. So she sits and thinks about all the ways she can try to get men to ask her out; she can change her diet and work out to make herself more physically attractive; she can style her hair and dress so as to enhance her figure and femininity; she can learn useful skills that are valuable in a wife, like how to cook well, keep a tidy house, sew and darn clothes, and familiarise herself with young children to learn how to become more maternal. Nicole can work on her behaviour to try to enhance virtuousness, like dressing and acting more modestly. She can learn how to use makeup to best enhance her features without obscuring her face.

In short, she can make herself the most marriageable woman imaginable, and it will profit her nothing unless a man shows an interest in her. A woman can potentially increase the number who do, but that is where her power ends, when it comes to starting a relationship.

Men, on the other hand, are not limited by this disadvantage. Men are the ones who pursue women, so they actually kind of determine at the outset who gets married and who doesn’t.

Here’s a little-publicised truth: all women want to be loved and cherished by one man, who will love and cherish them for the rest of their lives. I don’t care what modern women say about enjoying sleeping around – they don’t. I don’t care what they say about not needing a man to be happy – they’re almost always lying. And I certainly don’t care what they say about never wanting to be a mother; for the vast majority, if they fail to marry or bear children, you can make a pretty safe bet they will live to regret this.

Women these days will often repeat whatever progressive line they think they need to say in order to fit in or seem interesting. But in her heart of hearts, every woman wants to be loved and cherished by a man. That’s it. In fact, in a twisted kind of way, women often say these very things out of a desire to be loved and cherished by a man (by way of getting attention) or as a defensive wall to protect themselves from the fear of ending up alone.

Okay, you might be thinking, guys can ask girls out. So what, if they just get rejected by all of them?

This if a fair point. But just as women can do quite a bit to improve and make themselves more appealing to the opposite sex, so can men. I know it’s a cliché, but men can make up a lot for very plain or homely faces by working out and becoming fit and muscular.

Perhaps confidence or social skills are an issue; this can be improved in a multitude of ways but here are a few ideas:

• Take up a hobby that involves other people, like a non-competitive team sport or a martial arts class, a debating club, political group, a choir or band (if musical), a foreign language class or, if you really want to impress women, take up dancing classes. Solo hobbies are fine to do as well, but not if they’re the only kind you have; you need to be out interacting with other people.
  
  
• Talk to people of all ages. I cannot stress enough how important this is for growing in social skills. If you find you tend to only stick to your group of friends or people your own age and sex, you absolutely need to branch out. If you’re scared of talking to the opposite sex, start by talking to married women, preferably ones who are older with plenty of children. Talk to older men whom you admire. Talk to children if you get the opportunity. Twelve-year-olds can be an absolute delight to converse with!
  
  If you belong to a church, this is very easy. Get out of your comfort zone and get to know everyone! if you’re not a churchgoer, you might try getting to know your work colleagues better, your clients or customers, or other people who share your group/team hobby. Martial arts classes can be particularly helpful, as you’ll tend to be surrounded by all ages Heck, chat to people waiting for the bus with you. There are always opportunities to talk to strangers, or get to know acquaintances better. Talking to different kinds of people will not only ease you up in all social situations, it will increase your comfort with people of both sexes and all ages, including your confidence around women. Start doing it! Tomorrow!!
  
  
• Ask women you know for advice on how to dress. I’m afraid the rumours are true: women really do judge men on how they dress. But don’t be too quick to dismiss this as shallow. I believe this actually derives from a self-defensive instinct that is inbuilt in all women. Creepy men tend to be socially awkward, and are therefore less likely to know how to dress well. They also present more of a potential danger to women, at least on an instinctive level, so it is very, VERY important that men know how to dress well! The best way to achieve this is to ask advice from girls you know. If you have a sister, ask her. Sisters can be fantastic sources of information on how men your age ought to dress (they will usually also be thrilled to be asked). If you don’t have any sisters or female friends, befriend a young mum at church or your gym or group class who is likely to be comfortable imparting this kind of advice. You could also talk to your friends’ girlfriends, or even girls you know reasonably well, where there is no physical attraction on either side. Do not ask your own mother. Mums tend to be too close, and you need a female who is removed enough to give you objective advice. Women can, and often do, reject a man outright if he is very badly-dressed, so this is not one to skip. Learn how to dress well!
  
  
• See a psychologist or counsellor. I can tell you from personal experience that seeing a psychologist has been the single-greatest cause of personal growth and healing in my life, and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It has completely transformed my life in every way. I also know we are a damaged lot today. This cannot help but affect our self-confidence, our levels of anxiety, stress or depression, or our general emotional wellbeing. You do not need to be ‘crazy’ to see a psychologist. In fact, I don’t know anyone who would not benefit from seeing a good therapist, and many need it desperately, but are often ignorant of, or in denial about, this fact. Finding a good one is the trick, though, so I would say seek one recommended by someone you know and trust, and definitely do not see anyone who prescribes drugs. I have had great success with a therapist who practices “acceptance commitment therapy” or ACT, and couldn’t recommend it more highly. Who knows? Perhaps what is really holding you back from finding a wife is damage done earlier in life, or a wound given that you have never been able to properly heal from. Therapy isn’t cheap, but a good therapist is worth her weight in gold. Think of it, not as an expense, but an investment in your long-term mental and emotional health, confidence, maturity and personal growth.

At the end of the day, both men and women are limited by the opposite sex when it comes to finding a mate. However, while women are limited in their dating options by circumstance, men are limited only by themselves

I’m not saying that doing any, or all, of the above is going to automatically make you successful with women, but I can guarantee you that they will all improve your chances. In addition to the above, I also put together a helpful guide in how to determine whether a woman is interested in you or not in my last blog post, how to tell if she’s interested, which should improve your success rate and decrease your chances of experiencing rejection.

At the end of the day, both men and women are limited by the opposite sex when it comes to finding a mate. However, while women are limited in their dating options by circumstance, men are limited only by themselves; by their own choices.

Men have unlimited choice when it comes to asking women out. Of course, they will have better or worse success depending on who they ask and how they do it (see my previous blog post), but they can literally ask anyone they want. Women, if they want to date at all, do not have this advantage. They cannot do anything, practically speaking, to be asked out – they simply have to wait and hope for the best (and try to look pretty while doing so). As I said, women can improve their chances, but that’s all we can do.

Men have the advantage here. Now, men might complain that even if they do ask a girl out, and she does say yes, women have more power over them once in the relationship, especially if a marriage falls apart. But men still have the early advantage of choosing which women to date in the first place. I will write a post in future on what to look for when trying to choose a wife, but here are some tried and true methods: observe how she speaks of, and interacts with, her parents and with people in service positions (e,g. waitresses, Uber drivers). A good woman will treat both respectfully and kindly. A bad woman will badmouth or be openly rude to the former, and ignore or disdain the latter.

If you’ve been fortunate enough to start dating a woman you like, introduce her to your family and friends and ask them what they think of her. And do what is harder: listen to what they say, and try to determine whether it’s fair.

Nothing is certain in life, of course, but these are some solids places to start.

If a man is having a hard time getting girls to say yes, he may need to examine his methods. I have, very helpfully, written another blog post on this topic! Or, it might be best for him to step away for a while, spend time working on some (or preferably all) of the suggestions listed above – maybe for a few months, maybe a year, or perhaps even several – and come back and try again.

Gentlemen – you have an incredible and unique power in your hands! As Dumbledore once said, “use it well”!