Ahh.. sweet silence.
Dear friends, I have returned to the busy, noisy world after spending most of the week in blissful silence on retreat.
The silence was literal and psychological. With my phone switched off all week, the myriad buzzing, nagging little voices telling me about this task or that responsibility were also struck dumb, and I was able to really think, reflect and pray more or less unencumbered.
I prayed for you all, and I’m also happy to report I was granted many much-needed spiritual graces and blessings throughout the week.
One of the biggest things I came away with is one I want to share.
In my article, I stated that I’m in the middle of the struggle to accept the portion that I have been allotted in life.
Why is it so hard to just let go and accept?
Well, for one – I’m a control freak.
But also, acceptance is scary. Acceptance means stepping out into the unknown. Acceptance means trust. It means putting that which you care deeply about in the hands of someone else.
Of course, with this kind of struggle, that Someone Else is God.
But what if God’s out to get me?
What if He’s just waiting for me to let my guard down so He can swoop in and ruin everything?
Ever catch yourself thinking these kinds of things? I know I do.
We know it’s nonsense. We know it doesn’t make any real sense. And yet…
Whether these thoughts are demonic in origin or whether they arise from our natural distrust I don’t know. What I do know is they’re very successful at preventing us from taking that leap and putting our trust in God. And I mean all our trust.
I’ve been struggling with this kind of acceptance for many years. I am not a naturally trusting person. I’m very much a if you want it done right, do it yourself sort of person.
Incrementally, bit by bit, God has been drawing this trust out of me. He’s been so patient and so gentle with me, preferring to stand by and wait for me to give all to Him, rather than forcing my trust out of me – which, to be honest, sometimes I wish He would just do!
But trust doesn’t work that way. Like love, it must be freely given and received. It cannot be taken.
So during the retreat, I made the decision to just stop trying to control my life. To stop worrying about ifs or mights or maybes. To just let go.
In a word, to trust.
And you know what? My whole body relaxed. Everything just felt better, and continues to.
God’s been telling me for a while now that everything will be alright. I’ve decided to go out on a limb and just accept this since, you know, He’s God, so He probably knows what He’s talking about.
What does “alright” entail? Will it mean marriage and children? Hopefully! But who knows?
Will it mean the fulfilment of other dreams? I don’t know.
But I’ve also realised – it doesn’t matter. Maybe my plans stink. Maybe what I want isn’t what’s best.
So I’ve made the decision to leave the steering wheel in the hands of Our Lord, and plant myself firmly in the passenger’s seat.
And I’ve decided not to worry – and neither should you!
Because with God in charge, everything will be alright.
Agony and Hope 
Years ago I used to think I’m the one in control here- HOW WRONG I WAS- specifically it was when doing nursing that it dawned on me, that as soon as I dropped my expectations of what life should look like and started focusing on the needs of others that the real purpose of life started to become apparent- in particular dealing with terminally ill people, became for me a face to face encounter with God himself. I used to think what would Jesus do here- the answer to all Jesus’ encounters with others whether it be the dead, dying ,in firmed, the lonely or the outcast was to bring healing – specifically the cure to people’s afflictions is the comfort that faith brings. The irony here is that faith itself is the relinquishment of control. It didn’t matter whether it was holding someone’s hand or directing their focus away from mental anguish. I remember one chap in particular who had such anguish at the thought of the continued pain of living alongside his impending death,that it wasn’t till I literally placed a finger on his heart,and told him in no uncertain terms this is where you need to be,that the penny dropped. In other words it’s not until we relinquish control that we are given control. This is God.
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Anna, what a beautiful reflection. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. God is good and His Spirit is alive! Just what I needed to hear and I’m sure many others will feel the same way. Thank you.
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This is called COPE. You aren’t getting the desired results in your life, so you’re shirking responsibility, instead of doing what you should be doing which is working harder to find and build your desired outcome. If you think God wants you to sit idly by as a passenger, then try “[leaving] the steering wheel in the hands of Our Lord” of a moving car and see how well it works out for you.
God rewards those with the courage to take responsibility and act, Anna. This ain’t it.
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Couldn’t agree more, Chim. But this isn’t what I meant at all by “leaving the steering wheel” in Our Lord’s hands. As I mentioned, my modus operandi is control freak, and a subsequent lack of trust.
There is a big difference between accepting God’s will in your life and sitting on your hands and doing nothing. The difference is action, without fighting against God.
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I understand your frustration Anna. I’ve been looking for a companion for the last 34 years, and have never given up hope. I’ve tried all sorts of things, belonging to and even starting up and running Christian singles groups, joining online dating sites, offering my friends spotters fees :-), and heaps and heaps of prayers to our God, but to no avail.
I get negative thoughts that I must not have the necessary character and credentials to be a good husband, so God has spared the Christian ladies from me.
I’m not prepared to throw away my salvation in Jesus just to remedy my sense of uselessness and loneliness, I’m hanging onto the Lord Jesus just like Jacob did, because the main goal is to arrive in Heaven, through faith in Jesus, and by God’s grace.
Having said all that, and meaning it, I still can’t help feeling that the church oversight could have done much to help out, and in my opinion, should have been better equipped to do so. I fear we may inadvertently expect too much direct involvement from God, where He expects much more direct and dynamic help from within The Body of Christ.
Shalom.
Tony B
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Hard to say how much God is in charge of one’s destiny. I think God has given us wisdom to discern which path to take, or, rather, which paths are better than other paths.
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