Ahh.. sweet silence.
Dear friends, I have returned to the busy, noisy world after spending most of the week in blissful silence on retreat.
The silence was literal and psychological. With my phone switched off all week, the myriad buzzing, nagging little voices telling me about this task or that responsibility were also struck dumb, and I was able to really think, reflect and pray more or less unencumbered.
I prayed for you all, and I’m also happy to report I was granted many much-needed spiritual graces and blessings throughout the week.
One of the biggest things I came away with is one I want to share.
In my article, I stated that I’m in the middle of the struggle to accept the portion that I have been allotted in life.
Why is it so hard to just let go and accept?
Well, for one – I’m a control freak.
But also, acceptance is scary. Acceptance means stepping out into the unknown. Acceptance means trust. It means putting that which you care deeply about in the hands of someone else.
Of course, with this kind of struggle, that Someone Else is God.
But what if God’s out to get me?
What if He’s just waiting for me to let my guard down so He can swoop in and ruin everything?
Ever catch yourself thinking these kinds of things? I know I do.
We know it’s nonsense. We know it doesn’t make any real sense. And yet…
Whether these thoughts are demonic in origin or whether they arise from our natural distrust I don’t know. What I do know is they’re very successful at preventing us from taking that leap and putting our trust in God. And I mean all our trust.
I’ve been struggling with this kind of acceptance for many years. I am not a naturally trusting person. I’m very much a if you want it done right, do it yourself sort of person.
Incrementally, bit by bit, God has been drawing this trust out of me. He’s been so patient and so gentle with me, preferring to stand by and wait for me to give all to Him, rather than forcing my trust out of me – which, to be honest, sometimes I wish He would just do!
But trust doesn’t work that way. Like love, it must be freely given and received. It cannot be taken.
So during the retreat, I made the decision to just stop trying to control my life. To stop worrying about ifs or mights or maybes. To just let go.
In a word, to trust.
And you know what? My whole body relaxed. Everything just felt better, and continues to.
God’s been telling me for a while now that everything will be alright. I’ve decided to go out on a limb and just accept this since, you know, He’s God, so He probably knows what He’s talking about.
What does “alright” entail? Will it mean marriage and children? Hopefully! But who knows?
Will it mean the fulfilment of other dreams? I don’t know.
But I’ve also realised – it doesn’t matter. Maybe my plans stink. Maybe what I want isn’t what’s best.
So I’ve made the decision to leave the steering wheel in the hands of Our Lord, and plant myself firmly in the passenger’s seat.
And I’ve decided not to worry – and neither should you!
Because with God in charge, everything will be alright.