Kissing Christianity goodbye

A few days ago a reader alerted me to the news that popular evangelical Christian author Josh Harris of I kissed dating goodbye fame renounced his Christian faith following his recent divorce. Or more accurately, he announced that the renunciation of his Christian faith was intricately linked with his well-publicised divorce.

The obvious question here is how a believing, practising, influential Christian could so completely lose his faith? Coming after my previous post about spiritual fatigue, I thought it would be very appropriate to look at this as an example of someone who, I believe, surrendered to that fatigue, along with the demands of this fallen world.

I’ve never read I kissed dating goodbye or anything else by Josh Harris. This is an excerpt from the book’s Wikipedia page:

In I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Harris popularized the concept of “courting” as an alternative to mainstream dating.

Harris asserted that dating has become too inwardly focused. According to Harris, persons in dating relationships put up a façade in an attempt to appear to be what the other person wants, thus hampering the “getting to know you” part of dating. Harris added that it is more appropriate and healthier in the long run to participate in “group dates” in order to truly understand the way a particular person interacts with others; in a group setting, a person is less likely to be able to maintain a façade. Harris proposed a system of courtship that involved the parents of both parties to a greater degree than is usual in conventional dating.

So far, this doesn’t sound radically different to advice I’ve heard from other purity speakers. It seems that in the years since writing this book, Harris has distanced himself from it, even going so far as to openly disagree with what he wrote:

He acknowledges that his book led many to ultimately idolize virginity as they sought to follow a simple formula that they felt would lead to a happily ever after. In the film, he apologizes and said he doesn’t agree with much of his own book.

He also encourages viewers to think on their own and decide things for themselves rather than letting others make the decisions for them.

‘I survived I kissed dating goodbye’ director reacts to Joshua Harris leaving Christianity Sheryl Lynn, Christian Post

Perhaps another clue as to why Harris may have abandoned his Christian faith comes in another part of the same article:

Debra Fileta, a licensed counselor and author of True Love Dates, noted that after she spoke with Harris for the film, she sensed that he was “starting to feel burnt out.” 

“Burnt out by the years of do’s and dont’s that came with your personal faith, burnt out by the politics of doing ministry, burnt out by the difficult life experiences you’ve faced in your personal and family life, burnt out by the long road of facing your critiques under the scrutiny of the public eye, burnt out by the way you did life ‘backwards’ as you said: from bestselling author, to pastor, to student,” Fileta recalled.

In this analysis of the Harris saga, the author Dr R. Albert Mohler Jr writes this:

Many people have obviously wondered, “How did this come out of the blue?” But it didn’t really come out of the blue. There had been troubling signs for some time indicating that Joshua Harris was in a very significant worldview and spiritual transition.

This was made also very clear in an interview that was made with the liberal magazine Sojourners. The interviewer was Sandi Villarreal and this was also published at Sojourners just about the time that he made the announcement of the divorce from his wife. It was before his announcement that he was also divorcing himself from the Christian faith. In this interview, very interestingly, Joshua Harris indicates the extent to which he has separated, not just from the argument of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but from the superstructure of biblical Christianity and, most particularly, its revealed sexual ethic.

He raised questions about what he called the “purity culture,” of which he had been very much a part. He also raised questions about complementarianism, but these were basically in order to repudiate his previous beliefs. What wasn’t at all clear—and still isn’t clear—is exactly what would replace his teachings of the past. In the interview, one of the most interesting and important moments comes when Villarreal says, “You say in the documentary that there are a lot of people who want you to throw out everything that was kind of the basis for your book.” She continued, “But I’m curious when you say ‘everything,’ do you mean your belief in Christianity as a whole or about premarital sex in general? I’m curious what you include in that.”

Joshua Harris responded, “I think that there’s a push by some people to say being sex positive means — the kind of the historical sexual ethic related to sex outside of marriage, related to homosexuality, is basically laid aside, and embracing a healthy view of sex means just accepting all that as fine within the Christian tradition.”

He continued, “I do think though that, for me, in that change of interpretation of such a fundamental level when it comes to sexuality, it’s just hard for me to … In a way it’s almost easier for me to contemplate throwing out all of Christianity than it is to keeping Christianity and adapting it in these different ways.”

From Harris’ own words in the Instagram post announcing his departure from his faith, his capitulation to the secular world morality becomes clear. He writes:

…I have undergone a massive shift in regard to my faith in Jesus. The popular phrase for this is “deconstruction,” the biblical phrase is “falling away.” By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian. Many people tell me that there is a different way to practice faith and I want to remain open to this, but I’m not there now.⁣⁣

Martin Luther said that the entire life of believers should be repentance. There’s beauty in that sentiment regardless of your view of God. I have lived in repentance for the past several years—repenting of my self-righteousness, my fear-based approach to life, the teaching of my books, my views of women in the church, and my approach to parenting to name a few. But I specifically want to add to this list now: to the LGBTQ+ community, I want to say that I am sorry for the views that I taught in my books and as a pastor regarding sexuality. I regret standing against marriage equality, for not affirming you and your place in the church, and for any ways that my writing and speaking contributed to a culture of exclusion and bigotry. I hope you can forgive me.⁣⁣

Yikes. Talk about doing a 180.

Like I said, I’m not familiar with Harris or his writing, but all I’ve read on the subject seems to point to at least one underlying thing: doubt. Specifically, allowing doubt to obscure one’s judgement. Certainly, there must have been other factors at play, but considering how Harris has renounced his own ideas, and the fundamental moral structure that supported them, it seems clear to me that he gave into his doubts.

This is one of the temptations of spiritual fatigue: to give into doubt, and the logic of the secular world, which has ramped up its pressure on believing Christians in recent decades.

What’s interesting is that this news came out in the same week as this article, written about my heroic Godmother, who spent 20 years behind bars in communist Chinese prisons for refusing to renounce her Catholic faith.

Not only did she spend seven months in solitary confinement, she has been instrumental in converting hundreds to Catholicism since she escaped to Australia.

The whole Josh Harris story makes me incredibly sad, but then I compare it with those of people like my Godmother, Teresa Liu, and am reminded of the sacrifices Christ asks us to make. Sometimes, they are large and overt, like being confined to a prison cell for a substantial proportion of your life.

But more often, it is the daily grind of small sacrifices that makes up the life of a Christian. In the long run, I believe these kinds of sacrifices are much harder. They’re often not glorious or noteworthy; they’re usually unromantic, quiet and hidden. But they are sacrifices all the same. And though it may not seem like much to us in the moment, we know that God sees them, and values them, and loves us all the more for the knowledge that only He sees what we offer up for love of Him.

Let’s pray for the return to the faith of Josh Harris and our other fallen-away brothers and sisters in Christ.

16 thoughts on “Kissing Christianity goodbye

  1. Out of despair(180) I gain the world,but – lose my soul.Outa hope(360)I die to the world – and recognise my true worth. To pilots station passage has always been built on confidence in reason and there is hope on either side of the loss of trust zone (zone of despair if u like).Sir Robert Menzies recounted to his daughter Heather as a young child,to soothe her anxieties,not be troubled by the current state of worldly affairs as these things come full circle and lie at the very nature of life-hope is what steers the ship and despair gives hope it’s purpose. At the end of the day we return to the truth when we reflect and it is there that God shows his hand.


  2. I had just become a christian in first year university, and not only read I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which he later said her wrote because a girl he liked didn’t like him), but the followup book Boy Meets Girl, which is more about his own relationship courting his now/once wife. At the time, I was new to the church, but surrounded by the crazy dating world of my friends. DATE DATE DATE… and then… HAVE SEX NOW! This all seemed rushed to me, so I really loved both books.
    Even if he didn’t think some values were wrongly written, shouldn’t he (or whomever) say, X value doesn’t line up with what God says, or the Bible says X, that’s why I wrote the book in mind. Or something right? We shouldn’t have to apologize for what God writes. *We* can change our minds, because we are humans, we aren’t God, and many circumstances can come into play… pushback from media, spiritual confusion/doubt… even sheer exhaustion of being a Christian superstar author.
    But in the past flutter of events, I haven’t ever read Josh saying, you know I disagree with the Bible or God etc. Or, I shouldn’t have written the book because it doesn’t line up to the Word. Or even, I’m doubting my faith (as you mentioned)… spiritual burnout is real, I’ve gone through it myself. I’ve never doubted who God is or was at the time, nor doubted his Word. Personally it was just a very dry/dark time in my life.
    The LGBT statement is also interesting… there is way more going on there. I’m thinking either himself, his wife, or someone close is going through this themselves (LGBT attraction or lifestyle).
    No matter how the world changes, God never does thankfully. I kind of wish China would send missionaries over here to North America to wake the church and non-churched up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well said Alyssa. You have nailed the solution to this problem. In that we all need to stand and do the delivering in doing what we say and say it in a fashion that we are not going to be knocked over like a domino. As we say and do in oz we stare them in the eye like an emu-this is what we in Australia call being fair dinkum,in that we stand our ground-I’m taking some Liberty here but you guys in the US would think this is what u guys call COOL.And as Kyle said these sacred elements of marriage,morality bring purpose and enrich our lives and our real human right is unfettered access to the liberty to attain the happiness these bring. Dont worry little lady the fightback is well and truly on. The problems not you.Have a think about this,this will resonate with your sanity-what type of society and corporations advocate the killing of innocence and prey on the elderly…………………………


      1. Thanks for this Happ chapy! BTW I’m Canadian.. just a wee bit different than my American counterparts (the cooler ones). We are the wallflowers that can kill them at hockey. True what you said about morality bringing purpose. There are no morals anymore. And no absolutes. No law. “Where there is no vision [no revelation of God and His word], the people are unrestrained;” Proverbs 29:18

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Yeah…sounds about right. Perhaps Harris is another Ted Haggard?
      I remember having seen Harris’ book in bookstores. I’ve never read it. Books of that nature seem…what’s the word…corny. Why would a guy write a whole book about purity? That topic deserves maybe a few pages but not a whole book.


    3. Hey thanks for that Alyssa. Can I take a bit of licence and presume that I will be forgiven for my Canadian mistake. Thankyou for the proverbial heads up/ keep your chin up.


  3. Seems that Harris is joining the secularist/multiculturalist religion. He’s doing public atonement for the mortal sin of speaking against LGBTQZYATG+++ behavior. Next on the list of penances should be a public recognition of his white male privilege, perhaps live on Ellen. Following some tears and hugs, he will become a full member of the new religion.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah Sean I think his already capitulated ,his white privilege is his subservience to the agenda (dhimmitude) this is the problemo Sean when people either don’t believe in God or lose focus they will believe in anything.


  4. Another thing I’ve seen a number of people comment on with regard to this situation, and that makes a great deal of sense to me, is what I’ll call the brittleness of legalism. Josh seemed to set a great deal of store behind sets of dos and don’ts. It’s one of the things that gets mentioned in the list of causes for burnout recalled here. In fact a number of people have reflected that for a long time Josh was the poster-boy for a kind of “sexual Prosperity Gospel”: do all these things and God will give you an incredibly satisfying marriage. On reflection, there are two problems with this: 1) God doesn’t exist to serve anyone’s worldly happiness, and doesn’t guarantee it; He works all things together for our good but that’s vastly different from being Santa Claus; and 2) If you fixate on rules but not the deeper understanding of the world that makes those guardrails make sense (i.e., a sacramental or at least deeply typological understanding of marriage that fills marriage with rich moral meaning,) then as soon as those rules get pushback for being arbitrary or even unhealthy, it becomes much easier for your entire belief system to collapse.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Since we don’t live in a vacuum, and do live in a spiritual war zone, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that the enemy of our souls goes after people like Joshua Harris with all guns blazing, and that he does take some of them out. Hopefully Joshua has only been taken out of the fight temporarily, and will eventually find his way to even deeper revelation of God’s truth. We do need to pray for him, and for others like him, that they do return from the wilderness. It does however underline just how potent their messages for the kingdom of God were that the enemy went after them that hard. We need to pray too for those luminous witnesses of our day who are at risk of similar attacks that they may not give in to the massive temptations sent their way. Thank you for the Merton story, it shows just how important and fruitful wise discipline can be.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Catherine well said. It is almost as if in a paradoxical sense the loss of faith of or in high profile individuals such as JH or clerical abuses in general or for that matter a general fracturing of cohesion within the church itself is going to be manifestly felt in the very foundations of Christianity itself. By that I mean in essence that we the laymen are starting to wake up and redouble our efforts and focus on Christ specifically.In other words we are divesting ourselves of the worldly influence and power. Take Heart….


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