More than a few men have challenged me on what I am ‘bringing to the table’, so to speak. The idea behind this is – I want to get married to someone who shares my values, but what qualities do I have and how am I preparing myself to be a desirable wife?
This is a fair point, so I thought I would address it. Reader Christian puts it in the following way:
I challenge you to observe whether any potential mate, in addition to observing all the external trappings of religion (which are of course necessary too), is genuinely, authentically serious about pursuing a Catholic life – I mean by receiving the sacraments frequently, praying with humility and conviction, and practicing virtue in his everyday life. Also that you yourself are following the prescription just described. I’m reminded of the old maxim, “First become worthy to rule, and then rule,” which is beautifully transferable to the realm of relationships. I feel that you grazed the surface of this aspect, but it remained somewhat under-emphasized.
Christian
I’m also curious about what specific qualities you, personally, would most value in a man, and which virtues you think are most important for a woman herself to have if she wants to attract such a man. I think a major issue in the Catholic dating scene is the tendency for one of the parties to expect an ideal partner to fall into his or her hands more or less automatically without reflecting long and hard about how to make oneself morally worthy of such a person.
Important questions. As to the first, the virtues I prize most highly in a man, apart from devotion to his faith, are:
- Honesty
- Humility
- A good work ethic
- Leadership
I have no doubt the answer to this question differs from woman to woman, but these are what I find most attractive in men. I’m happy to report I’ve met a number of men who possess all these qualities. Most of them are married, but I believe this shows that these are not unrealistic qualities to seek for.
As to the second question, I think that both men and women should strive to embody the virtues they seek in a partner, if possible.
To that end, I will break these down to explain why I value them so highly.
Honesty
Well, let’s face it: nobody likes a liar. But being an honest person goes beyond simply not telling lies. Making an effort to be consistently honest means facing the truth squarely, and that takes guts. As a bonus, it also develops self-awareness and integrity. I don’t think anyone, man or woman, wants a dishonest spouse – or a dishonest friend for that matter.
Honesty is a virtue I try very hard to cultivate in myself consistently. Many years ago I told a lie to get some time off work. Not a big deal, you might think, but this lie was planned and executed, and I was fully aware it was the wrong thing to do. Afterwards I felt so tremendously guilty I couldn’t even enjoy the little holiday my friend and I took. I decided nothing was worse than feeling the way I did, so I made up my mind that, no matter what, I would never deliberately tell a lie again.
By the grace of God I’ve kept that promise, even when it put me in a negative light with people whose opinions I care about. But a major bonus I didn’t see coming is that it is the most LIBERATING thing in the world!
When you don’t give yourself a choice between truth and lies, everything in life becomes marvellously simple. I’ve also discovered that people often don’t expect you to be honest (a sad reflection of our world), so telling the truth can be wonderfully disarming. Committing myself to truthfulness, no matter the cost, has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Humility
This one shouldn’t require much explanation. Who doesn’t like a humble person? We are all afflicted with pride, but some are more aware of it in themselves than others. When I say I admire humility in men, what I mean is I admire and am attracted to men who strive to conquer pride in themselves. None of us is truly humble – but those who strive to be so draw a great deal of admiration and respect from me. Also, men who don’t take themselves too seriously and can have a laugh at their own expense are very attractive to women. (I suspect the same goes for women, too!)
I’ll be honest, I probably find humble men so attractive because I am so lacking in humility myself! Being of a choleric temperament, I have the tendency to be impatient, demanding and, yes, prideful. Humility is a daily struggle for me, but I emphasise the word struggle. I’m nowhere near where I’d like to be, but I am striving for humility. In Catholic terms, I’m trying to “die to myself” in little ways, including on this blog. Putting myself out there for scrutiny and criticism isn’t pleasant, but it’s great practice in developing this virtue!
Good work ethic
Just to clarify, having a good work ethic doesn’t mean having a well-paying job. It really just means not being lazy.
My parents taught us responsibility in all things from an early age. If you wanted something, you had to earn it. My siblings and I were on a rotating chores roster throughout our childhood. We were expected to help set the table, wash and dry the dishes, sweep and vacuum, clean the bathroom and make our beds. We weren’t given pocket money (“allowance” for my American readers). If we wanted to buy things for ourselves, we had to get jobs and save up.
At the time, I did not appreciate this at all. I looked at the chore-free, money-filled lives of other kids and thought my lot was distinctly unfair. Now, I am so grateful for this early training. Apart from anything else, it prevented us from developing a strong sense of entitlement, while teaching us to value what we had. Everyone in my family works really hard, and this is a quality I respect deeply in men.
Leadership
Leadership doesn’t necessarily mean someone who is a natural-born leader, but someone who will step up to the plate when necessary. Many women, myself included, want the confidence of knowing the man in our lives will lead his family when he needs to, even if – no, especially if – I disagree.
I imagine some will refuse to believe this. Perhaps they’ve been burnt too many times, or perhaps they’ve seen women dominating men too often. I think both sexes are equally to blame for this.
Radical feminism, among other things, has caused some men to be fearful of leading, lest they be seen to be dominating. However, some men have doffed the responsibility of leading and allowed themselves to be led by their wives because it’s just easier.
Well, for the men reading, let me tell you: when a man puts his foot down and says this is what’s happening when it comes to important decisions – not aggressively, but firmly – it’s attractive. Plain and simple. Because it’s true masculinity – not dominating, not overbearing, but confident.
As Jordan Peterson puts it, this is ‘power’ in the true sense. Not dominance, but competence.
I’m going to deviate from what I said earlier. This is not a virtue I try to cultivate in myself. I already find it easy to lead, so what I want is a man who can and will lead me and our family.
Is this asking the world? I don’t think so, but remember, this is my ideal. If I never find someone with all four qualities, so be it.
I put the question to you – what qualities do you value in the opposite sex?
Update: the below comment by Il Deplorevolissimo questions what I mean when I use the word ‘attractive’:
That wording is usually where things start to go off the rails between men and women. When men read this, they process “what I find sexually attractive in men” because attractive is functionally short-hand for “sexually attractive” today when discussing relationships.
When I say I find a quality in a man “attractive”, I mean it in a slightly broader sense to just simply “sexually attractive”. It means if I meet a man who displays this or that virtue, I’m more likely to find myself attracted to him overall; attracted to him sexually, yes, but also attracted to his personality, desirous of getting to know him better, to spend more time with him, and all that attraction entails.
I hope this clarifies things!
Update 2: I didn’t go into this specifically, but I think it’s crucial for both sexes to bring to the table an active prayer life and a personal relationship with God. I try to cultivate this in myself with regular prayer morning and night, as well as the Rosary, weekday Mass, spiritual reading and, importantly, mental prayer. The last is the toughest one for me, but hugely important.
My life has improved significantly in the last few years since I started making a concerted effort to put 5-15 minutes aside each day to have a heart-to-heart chat with God. I’m by no means perfect at this, or anywhere near where I want to be, but in my experience, people who don’t have an active prayer life or a good, prayerful relationship with God are going to encounter significant problems when tying the knot.
Agony and Hope 
That wording is usually where things start to go off the rails between men and women. When men read this, they process “what I find sexually attractive in men” because attractive is functionally short-hand for “sexually attractive” today when discussing relationships. I think it’s pretty safe to say that you don’t find honesty sexy otherwise you would have felt a few sparks with guys who are “on the spectrum” since they sometimes cannot help but be “radically honest.”
I believe you that you find those things to be desirable and essential qualities in a man. However, this is where the issue of “chemistry” comes into play. As others have pointed out, a lot of men have these qualities and women still feel no “chemistry” between them and such men. That is a polite way of saying they simply don’t find those men to be sexy.
I think the problem is split evenly between men and women there. Single men are often overweight, badly dressed, etc. even though they have none of the obligations that married men might have that make upkeep hard. On the flip side, I think a lot of women–yes, very much including Christian women–are arrogant and prideful to the point where they cannot desire what God and nature have provisioned as appropriate for them.
In the US, it’s not uncommon to see women who are 5s and 6s who slept with one drunk alpha male act like they’re now too hot for words. I think one big difference in the generational gap between women of this generation and their grandmothers/great-grandmothers is that the older women were much more down to Earth in their youth than today’s generation. So women should also add prayer that the Lord would reform their minds and hearts on how they see themselves relative to the men around them to the prayer to help them find a husband because without that, even if they find “Mr. Right” they may be too arrogant to be a good wife.
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Previously I mentioned a friend who was the male version of that and rejected perfectly decent, but not “hot” girls in college. He’s married now, and from what I can see on social media, very happy with her despite the fact that he’d have never looked at her in college. It took him a long time to get into that relationship, and I’m convinced that it was due to the Lord not being willing to allow her to be hurt by being with a guy who couldn’t appreciate her because he felt he deserved a “porn star level beauty” (back when that meant something).
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What are some desirable qualities?
Feminine, not an atheist, not promiscuous, not arrogant.
I’ve tried CatholicMatch. I can’t say that I’ve ever dated any girl from that website, though. Or even met one in person.
I surprised myself a few years ago when I found myself liking a girl who was a single mother and 8 years younger than I. She was pretty and seemed to be a genuine and kind person. Nothing ever happened between us, but from that experience I learned to be open to girls who don’t fit my usual criteria.
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I agree, especially about authentic leadership. Someone has to make the final call sometimes when the two can’t agree on a decision.
But of course this applies to the choice between two goods. No one can choose evil in the name of exercising leadership – and yet this does happen, because we’re flawed. For example, I personally know Catholic couples where the husband has decided about the number and spacing of children, sometimes against his wife’s real wishes, using the threat of marital discord and desertion if she doesn’t comply.
The exercise of true authority is a way for men to restore what they threw away in Eden. Adam abrogated his leadership role: he blamed God, and then Eve, for his own poor choice – a choice he made even with preternatural graces, and having first carefully allowed his wife to be the crash test dummy! (They had been told they would die if they ate – Eve ate and didn’t die, so Adam was now prepared to take the plunge as well.)
But again, boyfriends don’t get husband privileges, so no, your girlfriend doesn’t have to defer to you. (Simcha Fisher’s recent article on this was spot on.) I am wondering if this is what some of the comments from men here are talking about when they claim to have had girlfriends behave in a dominating way.
Instead, you and your girlfriend might have to talk about what leadership would look like if you were married.
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Then one could just as easily say that no woman has a right to expect the sacrificial love of a husband for her if the situation might need it in order for her to be ok. Once a real relationship has been established, you are doing a dress rehearsal for marriage. If you choose to not start practicing the requirements laid out in Ephesians 5 for your role, your marriage is likely to fail and result in you being personally responsible.
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There is no Biblical support for the boyfriend relationship. It’s marriage or nothing. You can observe character beforehand but there is no “pretend your my wife to audition for the role” that is how we got widespread fornication.
Women have a duty to submit to their father before marriage then their husband after.
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Don’t be pedantic. You know bloody well that I am referring to observing and character and putting on the character required of marriage, and that has nothing to do with sex.
No one, man or woman, can turn on a dime. If a woman will not follow her boyfriend’s lead once they’re in a relationship, he has no rational basis to expect her to be able or willing once married.
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“But again, boyfriends don’t get husband privileges, so no, your girlfriend doesn’t have to defer to you. (Simcha Fisher’s recent article on this was spot on.) I am wondering if this is what some of the comments from men here are talking about when they claim to have had girlfriends behave in a dominating way.”
This is utterly terrible advice.
I can tell you now, if I were dating a girl who were obstinate and quarrelsome and constantly testing the boundaries of my authority, there’s no way I’d put a ring on it. I can’t imagine how bad girlfriends could possibly make great wives, and if she’s difficult and not accustomed to deferring at the beginning, it’s not going to get any easier once we’re married.
Obviously a boyfriend’s authority shouldn’t be as extensive as a husband’s (because at that point, it is her father’s job to give her away in marriage). But as Il Deplorevolissimo says below, the relationship is a dress rehearsal for marriage.
You might also want to expand on what these so-called ‘husband privileges’ are. The way marriage and the family law system work today, there don’t actually seem to be any.
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Dating and girlfriends are a 20th century invention and a terrible way to find a spouse. You can learn someone’s character by interacting in a group or under the watchful eye of a chaperone.
No need for dinners out or movies or attending his work events as a ‘date.’ People can get to know whether someone quarrelsome without these satanic trappings
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I tend to agree, some space to have one on one conversations (while still being observed by others, such as a walk in a public park where his/her parents or siblings are still in plain view) is still a good thing to have for the more difficult and personal conversations. The girlfriend/boyfriend model is unnatural as well as being impractical.
So what Philippa says is absolutely true, a woman does not have any obligation to obey a man she’s courting, and is strictly still under her father’s authority. On the other hand, habits for a good marriage begin during the courting process, so as things progress, doing some of those marital things for each other (for the man: working hard to provide and doing spiritual combat; for the woman: deferring to the man and practicing homemaking skills, just as examples) in a prudent way out of wisdom, much as a novice lives the rule of a religious house even if he is under no obligation to do so. If a woman starts forming a habit of going against her suitor’s wishes during the courtship, it’s going to be very difficult to break that habit once married (with the converse being true as well for a man being, as an example, careless with his money).
It’s a balance, but that’s just part of life.
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*though some space
Typo
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Here’s the Simcha Fisher article – it should calm down anyone who thinks unmarried women shouldn’t have opinions, because Fisher is about as married as you can get.
https://www.catholicweekly.com.au/simcha-fisher-your-boyfriend-is-not-your-husband/
You don’t have to like her politics, and I suspect most of the gentlemen here won’t, but try to look past that just this once.
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What in the world are you talking about? Whoever said a woman shouldn’t have an opinion? I have never heard any man ever say such a thing. Every man I know is more than capable of calmly listening to a woman’s opinion. You have a very strange way of framing issues, to put it mildly
That said, that doesn’t mean I will agree with any given woman’s opinion, now or ever. For example, anyone who listens to the likes of Simcha Fisher will have no one to blame but themselves for their barren life.
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The leadership question is the trickiest of the bunch, by far.
In my experience, this is a major component of the breakdown between the sexes right now. Women—even most of the self-proclaimed feminists—really are looking for, at the end of the day, a man with leadership qualities, even if they don’t know it. It’s probably most accurate to say that they just aren’t attracted to men who lack them, over the long term, despite frequent claims to the contrary.
On the other hand, most women don’t seem to be ready these days for the implications. It seems to go one of two ways when men are men, even when they are relatively good ones:
(1) Man demonstrates leadership qualities and each time, her first, automatic impulse is to take immediate offense. This is the oft-discussed problem of the “sensitive guys” vs. the masculine guys. When she tries to date the sensitive guys, she’s bored and ultimately loses interest; the proverbial “friend zone.” She leaves the relationship. But when she tries to date the masculine guys with leadership qualities, she is constantly bristling due to strong cultural training in taking gendered offense, to which he may over time begin to respond badly. Eventually he tires of it and leaves, even though she may be madly in love with him under it all.
(2) Man demonstrates leadership qualities BUT from time to time makes mistakes. As people do. After all, leadership is not a matter of perfect judgement in all things; it is a matter of interpersonal relations and responsibility-taking. However, she is not prepared for this; tall, dark, and handsome was meant to be perfect in every way when initially setting her heart aflutter. With the realization that sometimes he puts his foot down, yet it turns out to be wrong—even if he readily concedes the point—the flutter is gone. He was an imposter—he looks like a leader, but he’s really just clueless.
This is not so much a response to any point you’ve made, Anna, just a series of related observations from the male point of view.
Women want men who are men. Men know this.
But men are not perfect. Even men who are men.
Too many men lack confidence, judgment, and gravitas.
The ones that don’t these days often fall shorter on patience than is necessary for present circumstances.
I think this is some of what traditional gender roles, now mostly lost, helped to paper over. It takes time for young folk to attain wisdom. Until then, traditional gender roles kept people mostly on a track to eventually get there while remaining married. I don’t mean “barefoot and pregnant” at all here, I just mean—men being masculine, protective, taking initiative, and caring and women being feminine, nurturing, the foundation of a secure foundation to which his otherwise wayward initiative can be anchored, and of course caring.
More to the point, society is busy training young men *not* to be men, often rather stridently. And it is busy training young women to avoid men who are men, and to sublimate or deny any attraction to them, again often rather stridently.
Not sure how we find our way forward. As a divorced man, I believe my time has passed as I’m far too busy being a single father to consider participating in today’s stilted relationship world any more than I already have done. But the twenty-somethings do indeed need to figure it out—somehow.
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Interesting list. I get the feeling that the label “leadership” doesn’t quite do that particular virtue justice, based on the description. What you seem to mean is much richer in meaning than what is generally meant by leadership. Of the classical virtues I think courage comes the closest, which is interesting because it is arguably the most masculine of virtues. Naturally, I am referring to true courage which is tempered by wisdom rather than foolhardiness.
Speaking as a 26 year-old single man, the virtue I admire the most in a woman is kindness. Not simple niceness or politeness, but genuine kindness which has strong elements of gentleness and compassion. I say that, because looking back, the women I have had the strongest affinities for and think of most fondly have generally been characterized by kindness. Besides, many of the complaints from the manosphere about the difficulties associated with women are nullified if a woman is truly kind (e.g. a kind woman wouldn’t take a man to the cleaners in the divorce courts).
Thinking about it now, kindness is arguably the most feminine of virtues, which creates a nice symmetry with courage and man.
Disclaimer, directed at other potential commentators: When I refer to courage as masculine, I am not saying that women can’t have courage. When I refer to kindness as feminine, I am not saying that men can’t be kind. What I mean is that courage is more intrinsic to the role of man and that kindness is more intrinsic to the role of woman. I do not mean that man never needs kindness or that woman never needs courage. What I mean is that courage is more central to a man fulfilling the role of man and kindness is more central to a woman fulfilling the role of woman. Yes, I do believe that the role of man is different from the role of woman. Yes, I do recognize that there are many virtues important to both, equally. Yes, I realize that the role of Christian supersedes all other roles. However, I also believe that the role of Christian does not in any way, shape or form negate the other roles, but instead requires the fullest fulfillment of those roles, which were established by God the Father, Creator of all Things.
I realize that there are many more criticisms that I have yet to address. However, the disclaimer is rather long as is. While, in all honesty, a desire to exhibit my wit did exist, the primary motivation of the disclaimer was to address the most obvious rebuttals of my comment.
Finally, yes, I realize that I probably spend too much time on the Internet and yes, I am probably overly egotistical to presume that somebody might actually take the time to respond to my comment or to even read my comment (I have been indulging a desire to try and guess what my reader is thinking and address those thoughts, as I consider that fun). Anyhow, nice blog.
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I think you’re right in pinpointing courage, but I think it can get more specific. The authority of a man in his household is an honor (among other things) and it belong to magnanimity to use it well, magnanimity being a species of fortitude. Of course to use it well requires other virtues, but specifically setting one’s mind to using this honor well is it’s own virtue.
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Courtship is a balance between opening up to the surprising qualities of the Other, and looking for someone who fits certain criteria. Don’t forget the first part.
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Though I find this discussion interesting and hope that it may yet yield some real fruit, it is surely a sign of our disordered times that something, i.e. marriage and family, every prior generation was able to accomplish we are finding difficult.
It is as if we forgot how to grow food and rather than head to the fields to figure it out we started a blog to discuss the sociological implications of that failure. In the meantime, we are starving. What is clear to me is that it can’t and won’t be solved on the internet. At least not on any large scale.
Worse yet, if we aren’t able to marry and be fruitful then we will be replaced by cultures that are able to do so. Which may be unpleasant, but then again, Reality Always Wins.
Meanwhile, the clock is ticking both for any individual woman and for our civilization as a whole. Our fertility rates are down, marriage rates are down, births out of wedlock are up, etc, etc and on it goes. It’s not looking good.
Maybe things have to get a whole lot worse before all of us, men and women, will get over ourselves. I hope it doesn’t come to that.
Absent ideological subversion/confusion, women want masculine men, and men want feminine women. This isn’t rocket science.
https://external-preview.redd.it/B1xDZUOq7Xs2weIueUQH-0ZBfYHzuPK4vH1udT_SxEM.jpg?auto=webp&s=1c861e6a91a91de91060f1babbf26fb1cef99078
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To the original question:
What do I value most in a woman?
1. Gentleness/kindness in speech and action.
2. Loveliness. Which I think might overlap with but is not exactly the same as physical attractiveness. Or rather a lovely woman might not be attractive and an attractive woman might not be lovely. A kind of quiet light.
3. A love for children and the otherwise vulnerable. A good heart.
4. A love and appreciation for the beauty of simple and ordinary things. Strives to make the world around her more beautiful for those she loves.
5. Has a high tolerance for bursts of rhetoric that can devolve into ranting and then back again. Maybe she can even appreciate a man like that.
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Unfortunately I believe it’s going to take some kind of societal collapse, where women are once again forced to rely on male protection and provisioning. Rather than sitting around in air-conditioned office spaces writing blogs and LARPing as productive workers.
Without wanting to sound like a c_ck, men have to accept responsibility for this and (gently and lovingly) put women back in their place. We’re in this whole mess because Adam took his eye off the ball and next thing you know we’ve been expelled from Paradise. I’d say all the excesses and disasters of the sexual revolution and women’s “liberation” have been a result of men being too timid or tempted by the promise of easy sex to properly stand up, put their foot down and say ‘no’. This is going to take a mass male awakening, and less Ms Hitchings and more Dalrock and Rollo Tomassi.
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Things I value in a woman:
Modesty. My thoughts on modesty are extremely counter-cultural, but that’s because I think most everyone has almost completely lost a reasonable sense of modesty. And it’s not just what a woman wears, it’s the music she listens to, the tv she watches, the locations she goes to, the situations she allows herself to be in, and the way she talks and comports herself around men.
Poverty of Spirit. Materialism and vanity tend to go hand in hand, and a woman unwilling to make significant material sacrifices isn’t likely to appreciate the lack that comes with children.
Joy. This is the big one where I have to say it’s something I find attractive (in the broader sense) because I lack it. Someone who doesn’t complain, who’s always smiling out of genuine happiness and warmth is someone that I would want my children being around a lot.
Hospitality. There are two mothers of friends that I know who are particularly hospitable, and there’s something incredibly feminine about them. Wherever you are, when you’re with them you feel at home.
Of course not exhaustive, but those are the highlights.
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“Joy. This is the big one where I have to say it’s something I find attractive (in the broader sense) because I lack it.”
This is a very honest admission. Thank you for it, because it took courage to share that. Joy is a beautiful quality in both men and women, although it manifests differently in each.
Not so sure that joy is necessarily defined as ‘not complaining’ – although I suppose it depends on how you define ‘complain.’ A joyful person can still hunger and thirst after justice, and still protest against abuses, precisely because these things rob others of their joy. I think Jesus must have been immeasurably joyful, which is what attracted so many people to Him, but He also got angry when He had to.
Whingeing or griping would be the enemy of joy, though.
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Maybe, instead of demanding things from men, you might want to start thinking about what you can offer such a man. You have yet to identify anything you have to offer.
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So you have never met any honest, humble, non-lazy, Catholic men capable of the level of milquetoast leadership you find attractive? I presume you have but you lacked “chemistry” with those who exhibited these qualities, but you don’t seem to have any curiosity about what creates “chemistry” for you and other women which you seem to regard as a mystery beyond human comprehension.
It is interesting that in the sections on honesty, humility, and work-ethic you devote not a single word to describe how these virtues might manifest themselves in a potential mate but instead talk exclusively about how these qualities manifest themselves in your own life. I’m not Catholic, but before I married I dated a large number of women, about half of them traditional Catholic sorority girls. I have never met a woman who was sexually attracted to an honest, humble, hard-working man based upon those traits alone. Aside from my time as a college athlete, women were sexually attracted to me for two reasons: I was socially dominant and desired by other women. Now a socially dominant traditional guy who exhibits honesty, etc. is really going to be attractive to traditional women, but if you are a man who is, as Churchill said of Atlee, a “modest man with much to be modest about” the virtue of humility won’t get you many dates with attractive women.
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This is spot on.
When I hear that a woman just wants a “nice guy” I have to laugh. What it seems like she is asking is why can’t that Alpha Male who has women throwing themselves at him day and night “play nice” and love her best? At the same time, there are plenty of truly decent men out there who will treat her with respect, but they aren’t Alphas.
A commenter on this blog mentioned the lack of the “Grandmother effect” as a moderating influence on such unrealistic expectations.
Grandmothers! Where are you!? Western Civilization needs you!!!
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I practiced martial arts for a number of years. The interesting thing about that is how everyone, in this context particularly the men, was definitively and publicly ranked. When a new and unmarried (usually younger) female student would join the dojo she would start with the highest ranked man and move her way down until someone would date her. It happened again and again, with very few exceptions.
There was a man in the dojo who had started 6 months before me and was always ranked one step above me. On more than one occasion a woman would start showing interest in me but eventually let slip she had been rejected by this man six months my senior. I realized this was not an accident.
Alternatively, the high ranked females had either married other higher ranked men or often didn’t date much because dating below her rank seemed unacceptable and the men above her were often already taken. There were no exceptions to this.
This was surprisingly free of financial considerations as being low ranked but otherwise successful in the real world mattered little to a woman committed to the dojo.
It was a real education on how female hypergamy works. I have to wonder whether these women were even aware that they were doing this.
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Qualities such as honesty, humility and a good work ethic are wonderful virtues, and look great on your CV. But no woman actually finds these attractive in and of themselves, as large numbers of men here have discovered to their dismay.
Perhaps they are attractive when exhibited by a 6’3″ chad with bulging pectorals and a chiselled jawline who rides his motorbike to the local Catholic church on Sunday?
As for leadership, which is tied up with confidence, this is no doubt attractive. But it’s not something every man has naturally. In my late teens and for most of my 20s, it was something I lacked. It’s only now in my 30s that I’ve gained the experience, accomplishments and sense of self to project a sense of gravitas which warrants at least some respect.
Most young men won’t have this quality. My opinion is that of the outsider, but my idea of marriage is that neither partner really has any significant life experience at the start, but you grow together through adversity. The young woman commits to one man who has yet to prove himself when she is at her most desirable, and later on the man maintains his commitment to one woman when he has become accomplished and proven himself (rather than chasing after some young floozy).
I’ve talked about the ‘grandmother effect’ before, which had older women guiding young ladies towards men who may not be the most attractive or successful at the time, but had potential to become strong leaders and great family men later in life. These days it seems a woman only wants a man who’s already successful without standing by his side when he was establishing himself.
While I certainly hope and pray the likes of Ms Hitchings find love and happiness, I really do think she would be doing young ladies a GREAT favour by taking them under her wings, managing their expectations and partnering them up with men who have the potential to grow into great husbands. Rather than perpetuating the Maybelline ‘because you’re worth it’ entitlement complex.
(Edited by admin)
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You you mind if a potential mate was not a virgin?
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